SINGLENESS TO MARRIAGE CHRISTIAN STYLE

SINGLENESS to MARRIAGE

CHRISTIAN STYLE

First we must identify the phases of Co-Ed Relationships. There are many different models, but they all fit the following simplified phases. Even-though, you may not call it these titles; relationships do progress through the following “5” Phases:

•           EVALUATION

(Acquaintances at a Close Distance)

•           CONVERSATION

(Friendship) Talking-Asking Questions

•           COURTSHIP

(Best Friends)

•           ENGAGEMENT

(Planning Life Together)

•           MARRIAGE

(Life-Long Companionship)

EVALUATION PHASE

Is Two Parts:  SELF & OTHERS

First we must begin with EVALUATING Our-Selves.

1. “If you want to Find the RIGHT person YOU have to become the RIGHT person.”

WE are the Common Denominator in ALL of our Relationships.

IF WE are the common Denominator, then WE are the ONES who have the biggest impact in changing who we are.  The best known method (that I have used to change Myself) is to first, find out what areas in MY life that do not Match up to Christ’s.  Then, the next step is to ask GOD, to help me to change.  However, we must first be shown what areas in our life we need to change!  The best way to do this is to learn from others, because much is Revealed To US and About US through Relationships.  Then, once these areas are revealed to us, we must systematically change these negative character traits, with GOD’s help of course.  I’ll first talk about how we can collect this Information from THREE Main Sources.  These sources are Existing Relationships, the HOLY SPIRIT, & Accountability Partners.

Within our Existing relationships we have feedback that can help us become the Person GOD wants us to be.

a. Our Existing Relationships consist of many possible Sources such as:

· Family

· Friends

· Co-Workers

· Class-Mates

· Cashiers

· Mechanics

You may be asking; “How can these existing sources benefit me?”  Well, let me explain how I have used these sources in the past to help me recognize and correct the areas in my life that did not match up to Jesus.  Before I knew better, I used to comment that certain people brought out the worst in me.  Well, that is only partially true.  Even though the worst did come out of me, it had little to do with the other person.  The reason why others have little to do with our reactions to certain circumstances is because that wrong thinking is already within us.  For whatever reason, that negativity comes out of us irregardless; because, the fact is, it is in there.  Some of the root causes, for us being the way we are, stem from a variety of reasons.  These can be: Our Up-bringing, Past Experiences, Traumatic Situations, etc.  The important item to take away from this is that “We need to recognize that we have these issues.”  We need to take mental notes of these characteristics about ourselves.  It tends to come out when we interact with others.  In essence, through our adverse reactions to other people’s actions, our negative characteristics are revealed.

We will speak shortly of how we can change these negative characteristic about ourselves.  Thus, we will be more like what Christ would want us to be.

b. Another good Source that reveals areas to us, is the HOLY SPIRIT

i. The way items are revealed to me in his method is through my conscience.  This method is similar to the first method; but, unlike above where items are revealed through my adverse reactions to others’ Speech or Actions, the Holy Spirit reveals the negative characteristics within me.  This occurs when I have an uneasy feeling about an action or a thought that GOD would not me to have.  Basically this happens whenever our conscience tells us that we are doing something that may not be the best choice.  Thus, The Holy Spirit speaks to us through our conscience.  Listen to GOD’s prompting in order to correct areas in which you need to change.

c. A third source is when we get feedback from an Accountability Partner.  This will be the most straight-forward manner of finding out the areas in which we need to change.  An Accountability Partner should be someone who is Mature, Trustworthy, & has a Strong Christian Faith.  Accountability partners are other Christians that we can ask what areas in our Life need to be improved.

2. Now that we have identified areas in our Life that do not Match Christ’s Example, we use the following 5 Levels of Change to Grow into the Person GOD wants us to be.  Even though there are many different methods to Grow, this method is one that has helped me.  I need to explain each of these levels, so that they make sense to you.  I’ll bring you through an example, of an area in which I needed to change, and how I used this technique.  The one area of my life in which I needed to change was my obnoxiousness.  I had to FIRST confess it (by recognizing it), otherwise I could never start to work on it, and neither could GOD.  SECONDLY, I not only needed to CONFESS that I had a problem, but I had to really WANT to change.  THIRDLY, after CONFESSION, and a deep DESIRE to Change, I needed to find out HOW to change that problem specifically.  FOURTHLY, after CONFESSION, DESIRE, & KNOWLEDGE, I had to put the knowledge into ACTION.  I had to start being aggressive with my change.  FIFTHLY, I had to RECOGNIZE the fact that I was always going to have the tendency to be an obnoxious person; however, I needed to control myself.  Please review the FIVE levels of Change (listed below) and the associated Actions to move to the next Level.

1. I don’t have a Problem.       CONFESSION
2. I do have a Problem, but this is just how I am.       DESIRE
3. I have a Problem; I want to change, But don’t know how, or want to.       KNOWLEDGE
4. I have a Problem; I want to change, I am Serious about it, I’m getting HELP.       ACTION
5. I have a Problem; I’ve received HELP, I have victory, but I always need to be careful.       RECOGNITION

NOTE: Please do not misinterpret this segment to mean everyone needs to be the same.  This is by no means what this is saying.  Everyone does need to keep their individualism.  Everyone will maintain their personality.  Look at it this way.  Becoming a better person or more like Christ does not mean we are all robots.  All bad people are not the same; they each have their own BAD characteristics which make them look like they have a BAD personality.  In a similar way; all good people will not be identically GOOD in all characteristics, they will still maintain their individual personality.

3. Now by this step we should have improved the major areas in our life that do not match up to Christ’s.  If that is in case, the truth is that we are now ready to see what GOD’s idea is for a mate.  I used the following tool to help me identify the Godly traits to become and look for.  What I have done is categorize these traits within FIVE major categories.  Then I also separated the traits into (3) main stages.  The first stage is what GOD would want me to have within that category, the next stage is what my absolutes are for that category, and then the last stage is what my preferences might be for that category.

Below is a list of the FIVE categories that we place the GODLY attractive characteristics of a potential mate into:

PHYSICAL                           INTELLECTUAL                 RELATIONAL

SPIRITUAL                          EMOTIONAL

To better understand how this tool is used, please refer to the following spreadsheet as an example from my life.

GOD’s ABSOLUTES
		SPIRITUAL	INTELLECTUAL	RELATIONAL	EMOTIONAL	PHYSICAL
	1	Prays Daily	Talks About Jesus	Treat People Better Than Self	Never have right to be UGLY	Personal Hygiene
	2	Daily Bible Read & Application	Shares Faith	OutWard Focus	Love is a CHOICE	-Brushing/Flossing Teeth
	3	Seeks Mentors	Watches “G” Rated	Not People Pleaser	JOY is a “CHOICE”	-Hair Pruning
	4	Christian Friends	Talks “G” Rated	Visits the Sick	Attitude is a “CHOICE”	-Clean Clothes
	5	Generous Giver	Financial	Visits the Im-Prisoned	Stays Calm during Crisis	-Washing Hands B4 Eat
	6	Admits Blame Quickly	-Its all Gods’	Not doing out of Gain	Shows Compassion	or Preparing Food
	7	Seeks out Counsel	-Not Materialistic	Doesn’t Gossip	In their Anger, No sin	WARDROBE
	8	Teachable	-Shares Items	No one Has BAD thing to Say		-Modest
	9	Confession	Focus on Family			Good NUTRITION
	10	Pouring Life into Someone				-Eat Healthy
MY ABSOLUTES are GOD’s. These are my Preferences
		SPIRITUAL	INTELLECTUAL	RELATIONAL	EMOTIONAL	PHYSICAL
	1	Enjoys the Same Ministry	OutDoors	Stays on Track in Groups	Doesn’t get “Flustered”	Gives Effort & Trys
	2	[Take on a Project]	Active “Activities”	Manages their Boss	Doesn’t Over-Commit	New Adventures
	3	“5″ Pillars	God Focused Entertainment	Gravitates toward Same Gender	Doesn’t Blow Up	Minimal Make-Up
	4	-Fellowship(True Friends)	Doesn’t Save Junk		-When Offended	NO JEWELRY
	5	-Worship(Bring GOD Into it)	-Likes Picnics			Clean House
	6	[Give GOD the Glory]				EXERCISE
	7	-Discipleship(Thrive/Mentor)				-Cardio
	8	-Ministry(Singles)				-Stretching
	9	-Missions
	10

NOTE: Regarding Preferences – if GOD reveals something better for you, why not Submit?  Let GOD write your Love Story.  Why be stuck on a Superficial Personal Absolute & miss out on GOD’s best?

IMPORTANT: Don’t get fooled.  I have witnessed plenty a GOOD Christian folk (Male & Female) who have been deceived.  A potential person comes into their life; they think it is a GOD thing.  Then they find positive characteristics about the person within each of the FIVE categories, and then they think it is the person GOD would want them to be with.  A better and more noble approach is to create your Spreadsheet upfront, BEFORE ever meeting anyone.  Base the characteristics within the Spreadsheet on GOD’s Absolutes, Your Absolutes, and Your individual preferences.  Once the characteristics have been determined in this manner, you can use this as a filtering system to determine GOD’s best.

REMEMBER: Prior to moving into the second part of the EVALUATING phase, which is EVALUATING the other person AFTER we have evaluated ourselves, we should use the following advice:

ASK the following three people if you are really READY for a relationship:

a. GOD – through prayer.

b. Your Accountability partner.

c. Then, Yourself (the important thing is to be honest with yourself).

If the answer is YES to the above three then progress further.  So, the next step is:

4. EVALUATE at A close Distance.

What does evaluating at a Close Distance look like?

What I have found to work best is to stay in a group atmosphere and Evaluate others of the opposite gender at a close distance (watching and taking note of their interactions with others, their mannerisms, their habits, their speech, their actions, etc).  Evaluate any potential others up against your list of Characteristics that was created above.

This has the following benefits.  One is that you are able to evaluate multiple people at the same time, without offending any of them.  You are able to stay away from getting involved with the wrong person, while you are determining who GOD has for you as the RIGHT person.  Thirdly, you are able to continue to Grow and become the right person yourself.

Once you have evaluated the possible people that you think GOD would want you to be with, seek GOD for guidance.

What next?

ASK the following Three Questions.

· Did you pray about it?  What is GOD telling you?

· Did you Ask your Accountability partner?

· Are YOU really ready for a relationship?

· Are THEY ready for a relationship? <Speculative>

· Does the other person honestly fit God’s Absolutes, Your Personal Absolutes, AND your Personal Preferences?

· Did you make a list of the items that you want to ask the other person?  This is a list of the items that you were not able to answer within the Evaluation phase.

So, if the answer to all of the above is YES, you are now ready to enter into the next phase, which is:

CONVERSATION PHASE

This is the phase that is identified by asking questions of the other person, which have not been Answered Yet.  During the evaluation phase it is best to find out as much as possible about the other person, without actually letting them know that you are possibly interested in them.  You may be thinking to yourself, wait a minute, “is that lying to the other person?”  We constantly evaluate other people whether we admit to it or not.  This is my advice – use discretion on how close to get to someone.  We are all wise in this area, if we are truly honest with ourselves.  We know when we are getting too close to someone.  We most likely all have had a relationship that has gone too far too fast.

You may ask, “What is the danger of moving to the Conversation phase too early?”  One danger is, “You end up wasting valuable time with the wrong person, which could have been spent evaluating the Right person!”  Remember GOD’s best for you is someone He is PREPARING for you.  So, what am I saying?  “Spend the most time possible Evaluating yourself, Evaluating other people (From a Close Distance), and be in tune with GOD while also consulting with your accountability partner.  If you follow this advice, it does not necessarily mean you’re guaranteed to find your soul mate, but it will let you know whether or not to progress to the Conversation phase.  There is Nothing worse than missing out on the person GOD has for you, then trying to rush a relationship with a person you thought was going to get away.

WHAT DOES THE CONVERSATION phase look like?

• Prepare a detailed list of questions that were not answered during the evaluation phase and know it well.
• Be open about the Topic, the Purpose, and your Intentions.
• Set A Time:
  • Early in the Day:  So you are Alert, Less Apt to be Tempted.
  • Limit the Duration:  To defray going off topic (1-Hour)
  • Make it Semi-Formal:  Don’t make it a Date**see Below
• Stay In Public
• Stay on Topic
• Have Mentors & Accountability:  To help bring GOD and outside Guidance into the Decision.
• Have as many Informal Meetings as it takes to determine if GOD wants you to move Forward to COURT-SHIP.

SUMMARY:

The Conversation Phase is a series of short, informal meetings that follow the above guidelines to determine if this particular person is someone GOD would want you to marry.  Thus, take this step seriously.

If the Relationship has progressed through the first two stages & GOD ordains moving forward; then Courtship is the next phase to Discuss.

However, before progressing to COURTSHIP:

ASK the following Three Questions.

· Did you pray about it? What is GOD telling you?

· Did you Ask your Accountability partner?

· Are YOU really ready for CourtShip?

· Are THEY ready for a Courtship?

· Does the other person honestly fit God’s Absolutes, Your Personal Absolutes, and your Personal Preferences?

IMPORTANT: Both people must be able to first define what courtship is, See below.  Then they must be able to claim each-other.

What do I mean by claiming each-other?  They both must be able to be comfortable introducing each other as their significant other, girl-friend, boy-friend, etc.  If neither is interested in having each other meet each others parents, relatives, friends, etc, then one or both people are not ready for COURT-SHIP.  My advice is to go back to Evaluating, stop continuing to meet with one-another.  It is a waste of time.

COURTSHIP (Christian Dating):

“When you enter an Intentional, Exclusive, & Repetitive

Relationship; to discover if this is the person you are to Marry.”

-Tommy Nelson

Ø Continue to Evaluate; Watch out for RED Flags (see Below)

Ø Implement Plan of Purity (Refer to “The Guidelines”)

Ø When True Selves are revealed, take steps to Change & Grow

Ø Have Accountability & Mentors

Ø Practice Communication

Ø Use the list of Reference Material (found at the end of this lesson) to progress together through-out the Court-ship phase.  This will help to reveal to one another whether the choice is appropriate.  It will also reveal techniques of how to deal with one another’s differences, resolve conflicts, develop communication skills, etc.

Ø Institute:  Forgiveness, Love & Respect, & Thankfulness

Ø Continue Learning…

When do you know when to move to ENGAGEMENT?

Ask these questions:

· Did you pray about it? What is GOD telling you?

· Did you Ask your Accountability partner?

· Are you BOTH really ready for Engagement?

· Does the other person honestly fit God’s Absolutes, Your Personal Absolutes, and your Personal Preferences?

· Does the other person compliment you?

· Are you complete without the other person (We should be)?

NOTE: Do not advance to Engagement with Doubts!

If the answers to the above questions are YES, then My advice would be to get pre-marital counseling.  Prior to actually getting Engaged, prior to the purchase of the Engagement Ring; get professional advice.  My advice would be to perform a 3-6 month Pre-Marital Counseling session with a professional Counselor/Pastor.  The reason I feel this is a very important guideline, is the very fact that once Engagement is entered both people become betrothed to one another (as Mary was betrothed to Joseph in the Bible before they were actually married) and the wedding plans are in action.  It is very hard to stop the train towards marriage once this phase is enacted.  So, it makes perfect sense to get the proper counseling prior to engagement.

IMPORTANT: Make sure GOD wants you to go to this Phase –otherwise –Remain at CourtShip Phase

ENGAGEMENT (=Betrothal)

What does the Engagement stage consist of?

a. Get Additional Pre-marital Counseling

b. Wedding Plans

c. Honey-Moon Plans

d. Post Wedding Plans

e. Planning Life Decisions

i. Financial

ii. Living Arrangements

iii. Moving Plans

MARRIAGE

A. Life-Long Happiness (which takes WORK) with the Companion that you KNOW that you KNOW is God’s best for you.

REALISTICALLY:  Do not get married for the following reasons, which are More False Beliefs:

1. To overcome sexual frustrations

2. To run from financial debt

3. Loneliness

4. To be Happy

5. To be Complete

Is any one of these your main motivation for Marriage?  Please re-consider.  These are FALSE reasons to get Married.  Please deal with these issues prior to getting Married & thus hurting someone.

REFERENCES

1          LOVE IS KEY TO RELATIONSHIPS

RELATIONSHIPS THAT WORK – Norman Wright               BLUEPRINTS: Pastor Deone                                                              LOVING, LASTING, RELATIONSHIPS: Chip Ingram

2          WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS COME Un-Glued?                                           GOD is not the Center.

TURNING POINTS in RELATIONSHIPS: Vintage Books                 LEVELS OF CONNECTING: Gary Smalley

a. Cliché’s b. Facts c. Opinions / Expectations d. Feelings e. Needs

CONFLICT AWARENESS: Tim & Joy Downs                                  “LOVE DARE” the Book (“FIRE-PROOF” the Movie)

3          How to Super-Glue a Relationships                                                       LOVE LANGUAGES: Gary Chapman                                     We do the things that we like to get in Return.

LOVE & RESPECT – Emerson Eggerichs                                            Focus on the other person.

MEETING NEEDS – Gary Smalley

Find out what the other Person’s needs are; and give that to them.

HONOR & PRAISE – Gary Smalley                                        Elevate the Other person higher than you.

4          Establishing Parameters:

BOUNDARIES – Cloud & Townsend                                                  What are the areas of Differences, Know yourself.

FINDING THE LOVE OF YOU LIFE – Neil Clark Warren                                                    Compatibility

5          TESTING THE GLUE:  Purposeful Relationships                                 PURPOSE DRIVEN LIFE – Rick Warren                                                If we are focused on what GOD wants us to do we will not focus on where we think we should be.

6          Keeping The GLUE Pure

EVERYMANS’ BATTLE – Afterburn & Stoker

EVERYWOMANS’ BATTLE – Shannon Ethridge

GUIDELINES – FearHim.WordPress.com

7          Removing TOXINS from the Glue

SAVING YOUR MARIAGE BEFORE IT STARTS: Les & Leslie Parrot

FIGHT FAIR – Tim & Joy Downs

LUV TALK – Gary Smalley

KEVIN LEHMAN resources