GUIDELINES COMMENTARY

GUIDELINES RE-VISITED

Please review these excerpts dedicated to explain & clarify the GUIDELINES.  Each excerpt will focus on the GUIDELINES as a whole as well as offer additional explanation & clarification for a specific GUIDELINE.  Why the need for these excerpts?  People have had questions, concerns, or been confused as to what some of the GUIDELINES mean.

What are the GUIDELINES?  First of all, they’re GUIDELINES, NOT rules.  If followed; however, they offer a means whereby to start a life of singleness with increased success in the area of morality.  DISCLAIMER:  The GUIDELINES are not mine or anyone’s in particular.  Rather they are a collection of guidelines from books, sermons, studies, retreats, radio broadcasts, Internet articles, etc.

WHO ARE THESE FOR?

 

These guidelines are really for anyone that will come into contact with the opposite gender.  With this in mind, I’ll share with you what the progression of a Christian Relationship looks like.  The following are FIVE stages to a Christian Relationship.

HOW SHOULD A CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP PROGRESS?

Every relationship is different, but the same.  What do I mean?  The circumstances are different, places, people, etc; but the stages of how a Christian relationship progresses should be the same.  First and foremost, though, let GOD write your LOVE Story.

HOW LONG SHOULD WE TAKE TO GO THROUGH THE STAGES?

I asked this same question of GOD!  He responded with, “How fast can you go through the stages?  A light bulb went off in my head.  I knew what he was talking about.  I was to rely on God through prayer in order to determine when to progress to the next stage.

WHAT ARE THE STAGES OF A RELATIONSHIP?

1. Evaluating Self

a.  Determine through Christian Circles the areas in your own life that do not match-up to Christ.  Work On These areas.

2. Learning from & Evaluating the Same Gender:  If you are a Male – See how other Males are treating females.  Take note and determine through examination of the Scriptures how a Christian woman is to be treated.  Vice-Versa - if you are a female - see how other Christian women are treating the men; evaluate through the Scripture what is appropriate.

3. Now that you are becoming more like Christ, and you are learning how to treat the opposite gender in an appropriate manner, you may be ready to go on to Stage (3); Evaluating the opposite Gender.  In this stage you are to determine what type of Christian is your type; more important which type of Christian is also in Stage (3), thus, Healthy and Ready to progress to Stage (4).  Stage (3) is most important.  During this stage we should take 1 – 2 years to get to know someone from a close distance.  What do I mean by this?  Just ask countless millions, including myself what types of problems we have gotten ourselves into by getting in too deep, too fast.  This Stage will take a lot more discussion.  However, let me just say, keep your thoughts of how much you like that special someone, to yourself for as long as you can.  Study the other person:  how they treat others, how they treat their family members, siblings, Mother, Father etc.  How they treat others is how they will treat you eventually.  Do they have healthy relationships with their friends?  Do they treat the opposite gender with respect?

4. O.K. your thinking about Stage 4.  In the Christian world this would be Courting.  Courting is the time when you enter into an exclusive, intentional, dating relationship to determine if this is the person God wants you to marry.  The Court-Ship relationship is started with the notion that this is the person God wants you to marry.  That is why it is so important to perform Stage 3 carefully with the utmost diligence; because you do not want to go around breaking hearts and getting your own heart broken.  Do your homework from a close distance, without hinting around about your feelings about the person.  Christians need to evaluate each-other on a deeper level, prior to getting so close too fast.  It will save a lot of headaches later.

5. Stage five is Engagement - The time between Courtship and Marriage.  This should be self-explanatory.  Some good advice when you get to this stage:  there should not be any major item that has not been discussed with your future spouse at this point.  Otherwise, very soon after the engagement please divulge all deep secrets that will have an impact on the Marriage.  If you are not sure, ask more than just one Christian friend.

WHEN DO I USE THE GUIDELINES?

All the way from Stage 1 till marriage and even Guidelines 5, 8, 9, & 10 (while in public) should still be utilized even in Marriage, to some extent.

GUIDELINES:

1. Taking Trips together:  This can be a tempting way to get-to-know your significant other; however, also a very tempting way to end up in compromising situations.  WHY? Because the secluded, extended period of time together lends itself to possible excitement.  Thus, when traveling alone, human nature comes into play.

a.The best option is to have a chaperone.  Think about being creative with travel arrangements, to minimize the possibility of temptations.  For instance, think about airplane travel for destinations that are over 8 – 10 hours of drive time.  This allows the couple to be in public, during the travel, and avoids the tempation of stopping for long periods of time, which could lead to trouble.  When on a flight, still utilize caution and prepare ahead of time to talk about Spiritual topics.  Learn from me, don’t get tempted to lean your heads on each other while napping on the flight.  If you do get tired, see if there is another open seat to move to.  Hey, isn’t the relationship more important than your comfort???

b. However, some may still opt to drive, or uncontrollable circumstances may occur, when driving, where an overnight stay is necessary (i.e. Car Problems, Traffic Jams, Storms etc.)  In these situations there are some guidelines that will increase your success in maintaining purity in the relationship.  First and foremost, leave early and load the items from your significant others porch.

c. O.K. what do you do when or if you are in this situation??  It is Definitely NOT a good choice to share the same Hotel room.  Spend the extra money; get separate rooms – the money is worth it.  Don’t even go into each other’s rooms.  This will avoid any temptation whatsoever.

d. Once you get to your destination, continue to be vigilant against temptations.  At relatives’ homes, possible options are:  stay at different houses, on different floors, one sleeps on the couch, one in a room, or one in a hotel, and the other at the relatives’ house.  Your purity in the relationship is of utmost priority, DO NOT let satan, get you thinking like the world on this one.

2. Concerning Sleep-overs:  similar guidelines can be used as the above guideline.

a. Your situation may be like this:  “Her heat is out, and I need to stay with her!” or ”There is a stalker after her, I need to stay with her and protect her!” or ”The weather is too bad outside.  I can’t Drive home, I need to stay with her tonight (or She must stay with me, cause I do not want her to drive in the terrible conditions)!”  Unfortunately, if Guideline #6 is enacted – “Not going to each others house,” then this wouldn’t be a problem.  However, we are not always thinking ahead.  So, what do we do once we find ourselves in this situation?  See Below!

b. Have accountability partners that call you nightly to see where your are.  If they have not called you yet, then call them, describe the situation.  Pray, and come up with a situation that will enable the two of you to not sleep at the others house ALONE.  Some suggestions are to have another person come over to stay.  For Example, a young lady’s electricity was out during the BIG October storm.  Multiple people got together to ensure one male and one female did not have to be alone together.

c. Where there is a will, there is a way.  We can give all the excuses in the World to explain our compromises.  Up above, was a perfect example where almost every circumstance that can be dreamed of actually happened during the October storm and there was still a way out (see 1 Corinthians 10:13).  The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.  And God is faithful.  He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand.  When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.

3. Concerning Physical Touch:

a. First and foremost, please honestly consider WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) in the area of physical touch, prior to marriage.  Hypothetical, of course, because He never married in the physical sense.  Instead, think of it in the spiritual sense.  Does Christ wrap Himself around us prior to us giving our lives to Him?  He does Love us, and draw us to Him, prior to us “Belonging to Him.”  What I mean when I say “Belonging to Him” is that once we accept Christ as our Lord & Savior then, “We belong to HIM”.  When we “Belong to Him” we accept His proposal, we enter into a marriage with Christ, thus He enters us and fills us with His SPIRIT.  He does not do this prior to us accepting His invitation.  Should we become “ONE” with our significant other prior to the act of marriage?  NO, is my answer.

b. Maybe things are still unclear?  Consider evaluating what types of physical touch would be appropriate, prior to marriage, that would still glorify GOD.  Am I saying any physical touch is illegal in GOD’s eyes?  NO.  Am I saying that some physical touch is dangerous?  YES!

 

c. Once these first two areas have been explored, determine what areas you have fallen into in the past regarding physical touch.  Ask yourself how you have fallen by contemplating how, where, when, with whom, etc.  Once you determine the areas of past instances where you have fallen, then you can safely say this is your new limit.  Now, continue to move this limit back until you no longer fall into temptation.  My suggestion - go with the guideline…then there’s no questions whatsoever!  Plenty of people have already explored these areas.  Why not be wise and “Learn from others mistakes” rather than just trying to be intelligent thus “Learning from your own mistakes”.

 d. Maybe you have never experienced sexual immorality.  However, you must take into account the other person in the relationship.  What may be acceptable for one person, may not be for another.  Acceptable may not be the right word to use here because both people may “accept” a different level of physical touch.  What I call acceptable is my definition of a person’s interpretation of what they think God’s view is on the topic of Physical touch.  We all have somewhat of a different view; I understand that.  Thus, no two people will have the same understanding of what is an acceptable limit to take physical touch.  Unless, of course, we all get on the same page.  How do we do that?  ”Perform the least possible amount of Physical Touch.”  However, I also understand that people will not know how to do this.  Try this test.  Openly confess your pre-conceived interpretation about what you believe to be GOD’s views on physical touch.  Confess this to Spiritual Others (Not just to ones that agree with your opinion).  Talk to pastors, Call Neil Boron, Write to James Dobson, you get the point.  Now, hopefully your view point comes a little closer to God’s view.  Can you still HONESTLY keep a pure conscience before GOD, if you perform a certain act of physical touch?  If the answer is YES, then maybe you’re getting closer to God’s standard.  However, remember, the other person, they must also have a clear conscience.  After all, the Bible says to the person who thinks he stands (i.e. believes he won’t fall in a certain area) to take heed lest he fall.

e. Am I saying that I have been pure in every sense in my relationships in the area of physical touch?  No.  So, how can I say that these GUIDELINES work when followed, specifically this one dealing with physical touch?  Because, I have implemented it and what I am saying is that by following this GUIDELINE concerning physical touch, it is quite difficult to fall.

e. In summary, please evaluate the actions that you are performing in your relationship concerning physical touch to determine if they are What Jesus would Do.  Do they Truly glorify God, and still help you to maintain a clear conscience.

4. Save the KISSING for “You may Kiss The Bride” I can’t believe I need to really discuss this item in more detail.  However, I was there myself at one time.  The fleshly urge to “KISS” is very strong.  Kissing is everywhere in our Society:  Movies, T.V., Magazines, etc.  Remember, just because it is all around doesn’t make it acceptable in God’s eyes.  When I really search the heart of God, and then of course, what it means at the Altar, waiting is clearly the Way God would want us to progress in our relationships toward marriage.  There are soo many references to this activity as being one to stay away from.  Please consider these thoughts as you make this a conviction in your hearts.

a. During a relationship with the opposite gender; your urge to “KISS” will grow.  Maybe you have already been kissing your significant other.  Whether you are Kissing, have Kissed, or will Kiss, my research has found that the best policy is to revert back to NOT KISSING.

5.  Careful of excessive compliments.  You may be thinking to yourself, “Wait a minute, I SHOULD be giving my significant other compliments.”  Yes, you are right; however, the kind that gets them thinking of intimacy or physical contact, which can lead to other things, is not in the best interest of the relationship.  Learn what types of compliments Christ would say to a “Woman” or a “Man”?

6. Do not go to each other’s house, ALONE.  I am not going to say this one is easy.  You’re probably thinking, “How in the world am I going to pull this off?”  This definitely is hard to do.  I don’t want to sound like it isn’t.  Especially in today’s society.  But that cannot be our excuse all the time.  I know first-hand how a couple can stay out of trouble in this area.  Lets say each other wants to have the other over for dinner, which is a common occurrence these days.  Well, that is so tempting:  a nice meal, candle-light, a movie – oops made another mistake.  Maybe that is not you, but you must think about what the other person is possibly struggling with.  Remember, not everyone is going to be honest if they struggle in the area of lust.  I have a few good suggestions for, “The over for dinner routine.”

a. Food Ideas:  Try packing a picnic basket.  I know it takes a little extra effort, but what is more important?  The relationship or convenience?  I’m not saying go into the deep woods or even in a secluded park.  Stay out in the open, don’t lay close to one another feeding each other grapes - you’re just asking for trouble.  If the weather is bad, then go to the Food Court in the Mall.  Eastern Hills Food Court has a better atmosphere than most Restaurants.

b. Studying Ideas:  Maybe you are a couple that enjoys doing devotionals together.  You may think just because you are partaking in a Spirtual conversation, reading the bible, praying, etc, that nothing will happen.  You may be correct nothing may happen at first, or for the first few times, Maybe even the first one hundred times, but it is the hundred and first time that gets you.  If you’re real with yourself, you will make the right decision.

c. Think about Chaperones and double dating.  I don’t have time to into detail how much Double Dates or Accountability partners have blessed my life.  There is so much that can be learned when another couple can shed some light on the Relationship.

d. This is one of the biggest reasons couples fall into Pre-marital sex.  It is also one of the hardest habits to break once it has started in relationship.  However, hard to break does not mean impossible.  Like all the other Guidelines, as it becomes a habit or when it is realized then make a concerted effort to revert back to your convictions.

7. End the Date at a Decent Hour.  The biggest reason that this is so important is because as we get tired our ability to function fully decreases.  This, in turn, affects different areas of our mind, body, and spirit.  We make less than moral decisions when we are tired because we are less likely to battle urges or temptations.  You may be saying, ”I do not have issues in this area.”  That may be accurate.  However, why give this temptation an opportunity.  What I have found is when a couple DOES NOT have a curfew they get accustomed to staying out late together.  Then, they tend to stay out later and later and end up in trouble before they know it. 

8 Staying away from Controversial Places.  This, on the surface, may  sound to be legalistic.  However, why would you want to be at:  “R” Movies, Clubs, Profane Rock Concerts, etc.  As we get inudated with bad language, unGodly situations, & immorality we become desensitized to these types of issues.  I know one of the comments people make is, “JESUS ate with sinners.”  How many times do you hear this?  I am all for evangelizing the World.  However, please be true to yourself, how many times did you ever go to the “R” movie to evangelize?  When did you last go to a club to spread GOD’s love?  Please tell me a way to be like JESUS in a profane Rock concert?  I really would like some suggestions.  Don’t be afraid.  Please leave a comment.  However, please don’t tell me that “By your actions,” or ”by just sitting there,” or “By saying thank you and God bless you when someone passes the drink,” or “By the way you conduct yourself.”  These are forms of passive evangelism, which is not what Christ calls us to do forever.  We must actively speak about Christ to others otherwise He will be ashamed of us.  In Summary, I am o.k. with someone going to a place where sinners hang out, as long as Christ leads us there and He is OPENLY professed, with Love.

         b.   I would rather everyone really consider Christ’s methods.  As Jesus walked in the midsts of sinners, He was completely intentional.  Jesus usually did the following:  Made Contact, Loved the Sinner, Exposed the sin, then He gave them a Choice to accept Him and to be forgiven.  These steps are essential in Evangelism.  First, we need to make rapport with someone instead of pounding them over the head with a Bible.  They need to know we are sincere.  They need to know we are human, that we make mistakes to. 

       c.   In Summary:  Consider your true intentions for going into Controversial places.  Are you just not willing to give up certain activities?  Are you possibly fearful that someday you will be asked by a non-christian friend or family member, “Hey, why don’t you go to certain Movies, or to the Club, or to the Concerts in the Square any more?  Only you can answer these questions?  While you are pondering the answer….Please read what the Bible has to say about this.

9 Regulate time spent together.  You may be saying, “Hey, wait a minute.  Doesn’t the Bible say a three-fold cord is hard to break.”  Yes it does.  During pre-marital relationships (and even in Marriage), we need to regulate the time spent with your significant other in order to be influenced by GOD as the major influencer.  This will allow you to hear from God with respect to making decisions about the relationship.  Read on to see how, when you are together with your significant other, you can bring GOD into your time spent together.

     b.  We all know that at times, while with our significant other, our focus may get off of GOD, for whatever reason.  A good way to ensure GOD is the main part of your relationship is to delibrately include GOD in your relationship.  This can be accomplished through multiple ideas.  One is to perform a couples’ Bible Study.  Another, is to play a Christian song and sing along to it in the CAR.  Or try listening to a Christian radio program or a Christian CD.  Serve at a soup kitchen together.  These are just a sample of the many ways GOD should and could be a part of any couples’ activities.

c.      Regardless of how much GOD is a part of any relationship, personal time with GOD is essential.  The challenge of this guideline is to determine what it means to Balance the time between your Significant other and GOD.  Now, of course, GOD is always with us, thus, we are always with GOD.  SO, what is the problem?  The problem comes into effect when there is NO alone time with GOD and all of our free time is with our significant other.  A good guideline to follow is for every hour spent with your significant other there should be one hour spent with GOD.  You may ask what does this look like?  The best advice I can give is to try to even the time out between the two.  Please do not misunderstand the point that this guideline is trying to portray.  It is not saying to be legalistic about the complete ALONE time with GOD and the shared time with your significant other.  It is saying to be cognisant of the fact that you could, unknowingly, be neglecting your relationship with GOD?

 

10. Do not wear revealing Clothing.  This topic should be self explanatory!  However, both women and men may need a few tips in this area.

    a. For men they tend to under dress.  What I mean by this is, Men usually wear whatever is comfortable or whatever they grab out of the closet.  This could sometimes portray the wrong character of the man.  In retrospect, you as a man should wear what is clean, not wrinkled, not overly worn, etc.  Dressing outside your comfort zone is not what I am getting at, but at the same time you do not want to wear what you would wear if you were working on the car, painting, etc.  For example, if you are a cowboy, then wear the nice cowboy outfit.  If you’re more dressy, then wear a nice dress outfit.  If you’re the causal type, then wear the nice causal outfit.  Keep the buttons on the shirt buttoned high on the chest.  Keep the shirt to a comfortable fit, stay away from form fitting clothes.

        b. Concerning Female clothes:  the same applies as above.  In addition, women have a few more clothing options:  dresses, Skirts, etc.  To get to the point quick, without beating around the bush, a good guideline for women is to keep away from low cut shirts, tight clothing, or Dresses/Skirts above the knees.  Otherwise, it will most likely distract a man, getting their focus off of GOD.  You wouldn’t want to contribute to your brother in Christ falling now would you?  Plus, it could diminish the ability to maintain purity within the relationship; Although, by no means should it be an excuse. 

        c.  The real reason this is a guideline is to discourage the wrong person from being attracted to you.  Remember, get opinions from other Christians, ask more than one Christian.  Get their opinion about the clothes you are wearing.  As before in the other Guidelines, find the persons that will be honest, not the ones that will just agree with your opinions.  Talk to the Christians that will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear.